A trip down to the shops.
Saturday, November 22, 2003
The rules of road-rage.
Unlike pedestrians I drive a car, and as such I am required to follow certain rules and regulations as laid down in the Highway-Code. This guide to proper driving has remained unchanged for many years, but is due a drastic revamp in May of 2004 in order for it to keep up with current driving trends. Under the heading of "Required Prejudices" in the new Highway-Code there have been a number of additions. For years this section of the Highway-Code, from 1931 when it was first published to the present day has only contained two entries, namely tractors and cyclist (velocipedophiles as they were known in 1931). The reason for their inclusion is obvious as they are nothing but a back-log on the usually free-flowing and unconstipated roads, but some of the reasons for the additions planned for the May 2004 reprint are somewhat less clear. Below are some of the new entries planned, all officially endorsed by the Department for Transport.
The Police (Pig/Thug/Racist)
Like a crouching skunk ready to pounce the policeman has become a major concern for drivers, whether leaping from around a corner with a badly calibrated radar gun, or waiting, parked in an alley with a cosh ready for the next unwilling victim of a racial assault the police have become a major danger. It is a well known fact that the economy of the United Kingdom hangs on little more than cigarettes and petroleum taxes, along with the vast number of speeding fines doled out like benefits to an unmarried mother, and amount to a massive 89% of the total treasury income every year. The other 11% comprises of 9% income tax, 1% value added tax and 1% trace taxes.
With the above being the case it is natural that the police, those responsible for accruing the majority of this money through speeding tickets, will be targeting drivers with new and more ingenious ways of ensuring that they get caught speeding. One new method being introduced is the concept of the "dynamic speed camera". This sadistic innovation is planned for roads that are popular as a place to park; the dynamic camera then travels on a rail alongside the vehicles at a speed of ten miles per hour over the speed limit and thus ensuring that all parked in its path are fined. The most extreme idea being considered is a geostationary space-based satellite system that would require each and every vehicle in the country to have a unique bar-code printed on its roof, but we are still at least six months from the start of construction on the first 'scanning satellite'.
Stupid Pedestrians (Jaywalker/Alcoholic/Mother and Pushchair)
For years the humble pedestrian has been revered in the Highway-Code. If they were to foolishly step out in front of a speeding car it is the pedestrian that is afforded the right-of-way, but no longer will this be the case come May 2004. Since the universe began, a while back, it had been bestowed with certain physical qualities. One of these is that large bodies that are heavy and going fast will impart more damage on a softer, fleshier and bonier body than it will gain itself. Why then is it that pedestrians feel the need to ignore this law of nature, and with total disregard for personal safety head into heavy traffic with the expectation that vehicle drivers will feel compelled to stop for them? Well, from May 2004 it is the pedestrians' responsibility to not get run over, and on top of that it will be the drivers' responsibility to keep the roads clear of wayward pedestrians and the fitting of bull-bars to every vehicle in a built up area will be compulsory.
Caravan Users (Camper/Nomad/Rambler)
We're not talking full-on pikeys here; they deserve a section all to themselves. No, this heading is especially for the stultified mentality that considers pulling a caravan twenty miles from their centrally heated, water supplied and partially sanitary house to live like a slum-dweller, moving from wasteland to wasteland. Often these wastelands are known as "caravan sites", but don't let that fool you. Remove the houses on wheels and all you are left with is a land-fill site. The modern driver should feel animosity towards this road-scourge for two main reasons:
a) The vulgar over-weight child gesticulating from the rear seat of the hauling vehicle.
b) The less the activity is encouraged the better.
Horses (Ponies/Sausage Meat/Glue)
For thousands of years the only reliable source of land-transportation was the horse, but no longer. The time of the horse being the king of the road had been taken behind the stables and shot in the head. Now the horses we see on the road are either pulling carts of rags and bones or being used as a form of leisure activity, being ridden by lay-abouts in the hope of seeing a fox being torn limb from limb by a pack of ravenous dogs.
For years the driver, the dominant form of modern road user, has been told to respect horses on the road, but with Highway-Code revisions this is all going to change. The argument for this amendment arose from a television advertising campaign that was made in order to deter drivers from doing the slightest thing that may cause the horse to freak-out and go an a hoofy-rampage resulting in a smashed vehicle, bleeding driver and laughing horse-rider revelling the near-murder of their steed's victim. It was this very warning that started the back-lash against the horse-users (not heroin addicts). Without realising it the horses they were hoping to achieve leniency for were slammed for their violent nature, eventually resulting in not only a revision to the Highway-Code but a register of dangerous horses being set up, much like the one they have for sex-offenders and school children alike.
For years we drivers have been warned about pensioners in the road. Signs warning us of their proximity have been in areas of OAP infraction, and for a very good reason. As can be seen in this diagram old people are prone to lapses of violent fisting, some sessions having been documented as lasting for hours on end. Don't be fooled by the sign, their victims are rarely their peers, more likely an unfortunate driver, broken down and leaning over the faulty engine of their vehicle. This has been known for a long time, but a new scare for the driver has now granted them fresh derision from drivers, the mobility scooter. Not content with no longer smelling of piss due to their walk-in baths accessible by a Stannah stair-lift they required a new way to offend you, the general public and myself. They are aware that these wheeled coffins are outlawed on the pavement under our judicial system, and so instead of taking this as a hint to stay at home they careen on to the on to the road doing 4 miles per hour.
It is a little known fact that whilst running over a pedestrian pensioner on purpose is classed as morally 'wrong', the mowing down of a scooter-bound coffin-dodger on the highway is encouraged by the DVLA, CoE and 'Age Concern'.
Pikey Folk (Car Thief/Shoplifter/Mervyn)
No, not Irish gypsies, nor Jews or black people (although pikeyness transcends race so, say, a Jewish pikey is not unheard of) we're talking about tracksuit wearing, tower-block dwelling, dirty, thieving pikey scum. These people are a scourge on whichever street they settle in, be it for a minute, an hour or the street on which they live in a semi-permanent basis, their other home being either prison or a young offenders institute depending on the pikey's age. The common pikey is a nightmare to the modern road user in so many ways. Around their homes the roads are littered with debris, a danger to even the hardiest of tyres, and of course the hazard of stray mongrels is ever present.
When they are on the road itself then the pikey poses the greatest danger of all. Driving a stolen car, pursued by the police who themselves are a bane to the modern driver, pikeys require a wide berth, avoided like Michael Jackson at a children’s' party. Out of their cars and on the street corner the typically found gang of young, drunk, pikey teenagers make a tempting target for the driver, but it is wise to steer well clear. Any attempt at approaching these clusters of under-class will result in a hail of abuse, sputum and half-bricks. Needless to say then that in almost every incarnation the pikey is one of the worst offenders of all.
The Wrights (Mervyn/Christine/Pikey Trolling Liar Scum)
After a recent exposé on both television and in newspapers and magazines the Wrights (those immediately related to Tommy Wright) have shown themselves to be nothing more than a rabble of village idiots mainly centred in Chapelhay, Weymouth. The Department for Transport, having seen examples of their idiocy passed on to them by legal representatives of Endemol, decided that the best solution was to give a general warning to all motorists that such people are on the road, putting your life at risk. The real terror lies in the fact that Mervyn Wright (father) is a disabled coach driver and Christine (mother) is so deaf she can't even work out which gear she is in whilst at the controls of her vehicle. Let us not forget Tommy himself, a man so feckless that he has great difficulty in passing a window without falling out, doubtless itself a symptom of being dropped too often as a baby.
The DVLA has voiced a worry about these people driving, but the law can do nothing about it until it is brought to the attention of the Prime Minister, a man too interested in the carpet-bombing of thousands of civilians and rimming of Presidential fraud, George W. Bush. Until this issue is brought to his attention and action is taken (possibly the carpet-bombing of Chapelhay) then all the Department of Transport can do is issue this warning, in the strongest possible terms. Many wrongs make a Wright.
Saturday, November 08, 2003
Normal service resumes.
Is there anything British Gas can do to give me an even lower opinion of them? Well, they could start by by hacking off my manhood, but beyond that the answer is no. For the third time this year, and about the tenth time since moving in my gas meter has broken, denying me gas for cooking, heating and hot water. Whilst I can put on a jumper, boil the kettle to wash in and eat cold sandwiches for tea this doesn't make up for the fact that the utilities I pay for are being diminished one by one.
When this happens there is a familiar routine. I call British Gas and the telephone is almost instantly answered, throwing you straight away into a false state of optimism, but I have learned not to be fooled. The telephone is of course answered by a machine, spewing forth its pre-recorded messages for at least five minutes. The messages tell you what to do under every single eventuality but one, the one you have phoned up to complain about. Twenty five minutes of Vivaldi later and I finally get to talk to Dominic, a real human being, of sorts. The only use Dominic has is to tell me that he can do absolutely nothing to help me out, but he can give the number of somebody who might be able to.
So the telephone adventure begins again with the new number. This can go on for a good four hours until somebody is finally sent out to perform the thirty second 'reset' of the meter. Hurrah for Transco who actually answered the phone on the second ring, but shame on British Gas.
Naturally, I have numerous solutions that will ensure that this can never happen again, but be warned, my ideas are extreme and unique which may prove unpalatable to some. The first thing to do would be to liquidate British Gas and cast its memory to the four winds, forgotten by all but the truly anal. What would be required next is a governmental decree declaring it high-treason to own a business without having enough telephone lines or employees to answer the telephones they have. Naturally this will lead to many business owners being thrown into the Tower of London for execution, but what can you do, that's the law? Finally, natural gas should be outlawed for domestic use and the development of a small nuclear reactor for the individual energising of homes needs to be started. The radiocative material within can heat water, produce electricity from that hot water and allow every home in Britain to have an excess of neutrons for whatever purpose they are needed for.
Naturally this will lead to a few local melt-downs, but compared to the hassle of ringing British Gas this is a small price to pay. When the China Syndrome swallows our small isle with overheating Uranium being lauched skyward by boiling aquifers you can blame British Gas, if you remember who they were.
Friday, November 07, 2003
My terror at the hands of internet stalkers.
If it's hot, it's here. Such are the claims made by New! magazine, a weekly glossy-magazine with banal celebrities, limited television listings, and badly concieved 'true life' interviews, and all for only sixty pence. This seems like somewhat of a rip-off when you consider you can get all of the above and hardcore pornography on top of that all from the internet. In this weeks publication there are celebrities that look flawed, but look at this, surely more flawed than anything that is legally alowed to be printed in a magazine. A glimpse at what's going to happen in the soaps and in selected films follows the more important pictures of vacuous stars, but look here, more comprehensive than you could hope for. Then there are the execrable interviews, this week a gripping yarn about 'Tommy's mum on his BB bonk shame', but then look at this, the real story of one mother unable to accept that any member of her family could do anything wrong no matter what the evidence. It's an entralling read, especially the part entitled 'The Bloggers!', I even merit an exclamation mark.
In case you haven't clicked on the link (and I can understand if you didn't, the bitter rantings of a woman incapable of understanding that her son is responsible for his own actions and not down to a television company can be quite nauseating reading.) here is the section in question, with comments as appropriate:
"When we first started going on the forums to say who we were, most people were very interested. As I have said before, we expected criticism, which every one is entitled to, and we didn't say anything at all to those people who expressed their opinions. After all, its part of the price you pay for going into the house. They started to ask questions about the voting and why Tracey never voted for Tommy etc, I could not say anything about it on the Channel 4 forum for obvious reasons, but it was mentioned on another forum and things started to get out of hand."
Christine Wright seems to have a habit of not knowing what her coach-driver husband, Mervyn, 46, is up to and here is a prime example, either that or Christine has started to forget things due to the regular beatings she gets from Mervyn. This actually started with Mervyn, a regular newsgroup user under the user name of both Weymel and Reformat posted a rather unsavoury response on free.uk.tv.bigbrother, full deatils of which can be found here. Anyway, she goes on with her ramblings as follows:
"There came a small group of people into the forum demanding proof that the voting was fixed."
I have a feeling it had something to do with Merv suggesting I, and all the newsgroup readers were kiddie-fiddlers, but that's old news. Christine continues under her misapprehension, but then she does have a habit of doing that:
"Of course Merv couldn't give that, how could he? He didn't want to keep going over it, but these people didn't want to let it drop. They started to get very nasty, name calling etc and their posts were deleted."
Omitting that Mervyn had posts deleted isn't lying, is it? It's just not being entirely honest. Now it starts getting really good:
"They came onto the channel 4 forum and asked me about Merv, of course he used a username on the DS forum, anyway they wanted to know why I hadn't mentioned the vote fixing on the Ch. 4 forum and began questioning me about it, I got a bit scared then as I thought someone from Ch. 4 would read the posts and I would get into trouble. So I did the most stupid thing ever, but it was the first thing to come into my head. I said the person posting on the DS forum was not Tommy's dad, but his Uncle, and I never went on there so didn't know what they were talking about. I also said I knew nothing about any vote fixing, that was the biggest mistake of my life."
You fucking liar. Of course this makes the rest of your story totally believable now, doesn't it? But then the evidence tends to suggest that Mervyn is quite practiced in lying too. Read on:
"They went back on the DS forum saying we were liars; we were just making stuff up to get attention. Tommy didn't know who his family were, we were all living together not knowing what the others were doing, all that kind of stuff."
Inaccurate, but what do you expect from a fucking liar? Obviously at this time one of them was clearly lying, but we didn't know that it was Christine who was talking out of her arse, so naturally:
"Two of them came back onto the Ch.4 forum starting trouble there, the more people stuck up for us the worse they got. Someone reported them in the end and they got banned from the forum, but they came back in another name, or got their friends to post. Nothing happened for a couple of days and we thought that would be the end of it, but a lady on the DS forum likes to post stuff from the newspapers, and every time something about Tommy was in the press she would post it on the forum for people to read. This started them off again and they came on with a link to a web site of theirs, a bloggers site. Unfortunately it was not deleted in time so a lot of people got to go on the site, including us, it was horrible. The names they call us are terrible."
Like kiddie-fiddler, soft cunt, along those lines? Not very nice, is it? She has to go on to say:
"They say we do all sorts of things in our spare time, they also say the people who support us and listen to us are the scum of the earth and a gun should be put to their heads. They have put where we live as well, they have said Ch.4 are going to suffer for putting Tommy in the house."
Well, one bogus claim at a time I suppose. It was Mervyn who said that his wife was bisexual and that they both were swingers in the profile he made last year. Now, Christine doesn't seem to know anything about this, and Mervyn seems eager for her to ignore everything I have to say. Could you be playing away from home Merv, finding ladies over the internet because your wife is rather ugly and doesn't satisfy you sexually? Christine, are you sure that Merv has a shift tomorrow on the coaches, or could he be meeting somebody he doesn't want you to know about? With regard to your followers being shot, that's merely your own interpretation of my article, not mine. As for the claim that I, or anyone I know, said Channel 4 are going to suffer, where the hell did she get that from because I honestly don't know? I want Channel 4 to make more proper series of Big Brother, nothing more. Her story goes on, will it ever end:
"They are now doing the rounds of the forums just in case we are members. When they see we are they write nasty stuff to try and put people against us."
Actually, I went to the Addictz forum because me and my website were being discussed and I wanted to set the record straight. It was you that followed me there, now who's the frightening net stalker? I'm afraid there's more of this:
"I have been told time and time again by Merv not to look at their web sites, but I am naturally nosey and cant help myself. They know I do as well as one of them has said Merv,(well they don't call him that name but I wont say what they call him) has been on our site again, when in fact it isn't him its me. They use our IP address to see I have been on there. I don't care about that though."
Indeed Christine, and nobody should care. If you want to keep track of how Christine's sojourns through my blog simply click here. The IP is 81-178-247-231.dsl.pipex.com today, and isn't going to change much so do keep a look out and see how masochistic she actually is. I digress:
"There is one more thing that they keep going on about, and that is their newsgroup, which was also one of the reasons they started on us. Merv posted a thread in a forum warning people to be wary of it, as it was not very BB related. He was told this by a source we cannot reveal, and also other information about certain members of the newsgroup."
Oh, a classic one from a self confessed liar. Mervyn knows that he posted on the newsgroup, stating his claim to fame, that he's a nobody's father, then he expected us to worship him because he knew Tommy had fallen out of a window. I still chuckle about that, him falling twenty feet from a third floor (i.e. tower block) window. Including the ground floor that would make the height from floor to ceiling less than five feet in height, so no wonder Christine looks like she has a hunchback in that picture. Continuing she makes another classic classic error, saying:
"The next thing we know a person who describes themselves as a doctor, who has the signature of ‘Vanessa’ on some of their earlier posts, but insists their name is Christopher, really became vile and abusive. He classes us as ‘pikeys’ (his words) because we let our son go on big brother. They accuse us of having a sub-standard mentality, for only reasons they know."
I have made my reasons well known, and seing as you always visit the site I'm surprised you can lie so blatantly about things. Oh I forgot, you're a fucking liar. I would also like to say that I have never signed myself a Vanessa, you are confusing me with Vanessa, the person Mervyn called a soft cunt, and you could only have known that by going to the newsgroup, which your husband has done a lot. Christine, I have never been scared to tell you my real name is Christopher. My moniker in the newsgroup is Chris, I claim at the top of this publication to be called Chris, it's even on my birth certificate. I'm not a fucking liar, and when I say my name is Chris that's the truth. The drivel goes on:
"They have called us pathetic and, in general, have been disgusting towards us. They have lied about my private life, what business it is of theirs I don't know! But - I can confirm right here and now, that I have never been, or am not now, a Bisexual. I apologise to all your bisexual members for having to bring up the matter of people’s sexuality."
I think it was Mervyn who lied about your private life. Not being a fucking liar when I say we chanced upon this without needing to make it up ourselves last year you can believe me. I say again, are you sure Mervyn has a shift on the coaches tomorrow? Now we get to the crux of the matter:
"To me it doesn't matter, but to these people it is obviously a big thing. They have accused us of so much that in truth, the more they go on, the more Merv was justified in his post about their newsgroup, with every word they type."
Your husband trolled our newsgroup, our newsgroup trolled your husband, it's fair, he can't complain. Plus, he's no stranger to being the target of disgruntled newsgroup posters, as can be seen here, in abundance. Football is such an emotive subject. Need she bother going on, it was long ago established that Mervyn was responsible for the abusive posts on free.uk.tv.bigbrother, not a mystery contact? She does anyway:
"They are confirming that it is a really nasty place to be, and we are not the ones with a problem. In fact the more they abuse us, the happier we are being us, we could never sink to their depths. It also states on their sites that their main aim is to cause chaos and trouble on the forums they visit, now that, says it all."
Neither am I Ladyboy, Christine. My only aim was to prove your husband to be the fucking liar that you are, and to laugh at your idiocy along the way. The only abuse that has been in that newsgroup though was the post made by Mervyn, how ironic is that? The liar does have some more to say on the general subject though:
"They say what they write is humorous and done in fun. I am sorry but being called names, saying someone’s son is a rapist, and saying we do stuff in our spare time that we do not do, is not a fun thing to write as far as I am concerned. Not when hundreds of people can read it."
Hundreds, you haven't looked at my stats have you? Besides, the joke is on you, so obviously you're not going to find it funny. Don't tell me I have to explain elementary aspects of humour to you now? Only a little more now:
"They say they cannot get sued for having fun, well that’s up to the police to decide. They will get fed up one day I am sure of that. There are 3 main ones, but they do have, what I can only describe as followers, who write comments on their sites, who agree with what they are putting. I hope you bloggers get to read this, as I would like to say that you are in a minority, that you can go to the press with all you lies if you like. I have already spoken to them about it, just in case, and of course they wont print anything you write."
Would that be in the same way that Channel 4 said they wouldn't show your son humping away on top of a girl for thirty seconds, in a room full of people? You didn't believe them did you? I hope you'll be showing this to the police too, our boys in blue need a bloody good cheer up in between beating up black people. Last little after-vomit now:
"I am getting to the stage now when I laugh at what you write, we know the truth and it seems to me the more you write the more its proof that you haven't got anything better to do. You are upset that more people don't side with you and that just makes you more angry with us, well carry on if it helps you in your life."
You people wouldn't know the truth if it beat you like Mervyn in a rage, but at least you are finally understanding what a joke you really are. It doesn't upset me when people side with you, it makes it funnier. I'm honestly not angry at you, I've been having such a good time watching you follow me round and post your total rubbish I should be thanking you, you've been more entertainment than Teen Big Brother ever was. Still collecting those youngsters' e-mail adresses Christine, from dawn to dusk it used to be? Please feel free to comment, the facilities are there for you, and I'll not delete your manic rantings, and when I say that, you can believe me; liar.
Monday, November 03, 2003
Last Resort - Weymouth.
The last three or four entries in this now oft-visited volume have surely shown, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that simple pikey folk such as the Wrights of Weymouth know no limits to the depths they are prepared to plumb for the adoration of total strangers. They will lie, connive, make wild and factually inaccurate claims, and if none of that works they end up sulking. Take David Blaine as a second example. He tried to gain notoriety by being the worlds first autistic street magician, which did work for a while. But people soon got bored of the same old rubbish, having a gormless, inarticulate idiot-savant approaching them in the street and asking them to pick a card was old-hat.
His solutions? Pretending to be encased in ice for a while, pretending to stand on a big pole for a while, and pretending to sit in a dangling box for a while. The Wrights' solution? Troll every interactive internet site with even the vaguest connection to their pitiful son's dubious claim to fame. The irony here is that in some cases these pathetic attempts have actually worked. Blaine seemed to have gained the publicity he wanted, and from that publicity came the few dozen sycophantic fans oozing out of the woodwork to cheer him as he sat motionless. Most of us will never understand this mentality, but there are those who will latch on to even the slightest inkling of celebrity, and like a pit-bull with a child, they never let go.
A prime example of these people could be seen beneath the dangling legs of Michael Jackson's baby, 'Blanket', and that fateful day that he hung his proginy from a hotel window with Martin Bashir looking on. The happy throngs below exemplified this mentality. Shall we list only a few of the many problems Michael Jackson suffers?
Total detatchment from reality.
Body dysformic disorder.
A propensity for child sexual abuse.
The need for the total adoration of others.
Total disregard of child safety.
This man owned a monkey.
The list can go on and on, but will not do so here. This merely functions as an example that despite all of the socially unacceptable things he has done, along with the morally unacceptable ones, it makes no difference to some people. Why? Because he's famous? Because he's a link to the life that the fans themselves will never achieve living in their caravans and eating cold baked-beans directly from the tin? Even this reason doesn't hold true for some people.
The popularity of reality television has showed that even the most inarticulate dullard can be made into a quazi-celebrity for anything upto three months after the end of the programme, but an unexpected result of this z-list status means that the parents of contestants get it into their head that they too a celebrities. Even these people manage to find an avid fan-base of two or three genuine adorers, unable to see any wrong in the repugnant things that they do, no matter what they are. But in actuality these people are no different from their fans, just another anonymous nobody living in a concrete tower block in Chapelhay. What is the appeal?
This fanatical behaviour has been confirmed recently on several forums, and makes me truly believe that these people, the fans, really can't see that the people they refuse to hear a bad word about, no matter what the evidence, are scum. What would it take to convince these people? In my opinion, only a bullet to the head.