A trip down to the shops.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004

The events that occurred on 9-11 had massive repercussions around the world. In the West it had an enormous effect on how freedom, democracy, and a way of life were viewed. In the East it was an even more foreboding event, seen as an opening for the possibility of war, unrest and terrorism by some, but others rejoiced as the masonry crumbled in front of the television news cameras for the world to see. Considering the subsequent events that have taken place I am sure that you, the reader, will be in full agreement with me when I say that one earth-shaking event was probably the best thing to happen to a country that has had a shady past when it came to warring and political destabilisation in the first place.

Restructuring and openness followed the collapse, always a positive thing from a regime that had previously been rather insular and mostly corrupt. Those who had lost friends and relatives to the now splintered structure were of course sad, and the positivity that came from the collapse could not becalm their grief, though nor did it prolong the mourning process, ultimately making their suffering neutral in the argument for the justification of the acts that occurred on 9-11. Those in the East who rejoiced were right to do so, no matter how many refugees were created through the subsequent, world-wide political actions. They saw that a symbol of dominance, of corruption, of oppression had been brought to its knees, and with it the people who believed in what the concrete structure stood for. Dominance, corruption and oppression, in an enlightened world are never considered positive traits, and thus the actions of that day are fully justified to both me, the author, and you, the reader.

Work is already well under way in reconstructing and rebuilding on the place where the grey concrete and steel blocks loomed over the heads of the general populace. The central, city structure is now nothing more than a memory, but the legacy of that fateful day lives on in the hearts and minds of the people in the East, the people for whom that day was a release from the shackles they saw being thrust upon them. Yes, the ninth of November was an important day for Germany indeed.

Saturday, April 10, 2004
The Alpha Curse.

Friday, April 02, 2004

Prince Philip Mountbatten, Duke of Edinburgh
1921 - 2004

On the last day on March 2004 the husband of Queen Elizabeth II died suddenly and the nation went into a form of mourning. Prince Philip had become an ambassador for Great Britain, spreading his unique brand of 'Ferrero Rocher' and spoiling us all. Although born as Prince Philippos of Greece and Denmark on a dining room table in Corfu he didn't let that hold him back as Hamlet did, nor did he let the idea of incest put him off his socially climbing ways, as, once a British citizen he proceeded to marry Elizabeth Windsor, heir to the throne and his own cousin. It had long been public knowledge that Philip had also been rather familiar with Princess Anne and Princess Margaret, but his liaison with the latter was only after she had died.

To give Philip his full title, he is His Royal Highness The Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, Earl of Merioneth, Official Eton School Bully, Baron Greenwich, Admiral of the Fleet, Lord of the Rings, Knight of the Garter, Wearer of the Garter Belt, Knight of the Thistle, King of the Pixies, Member of the Order of Merit, Knight Grand Commander of the Order of the British Empire, Quiddich Champion, Member of the Queen's Service Order, Sexual Pervert, Privy Counsellor, Race Antagonist Officer and Privy Counsellor for Canada. The Queen would often joke that "he was a bit of a mouthful, in more ways than one". With such an enormous title it might have been surprising that Philip did next to nothing beyond smoke, drink, fornicate and regularly take hard drugs were it not for the fact that he was incapable of much beyond motor-function, but for Her Majesty The Queen that didn't matter as motor-function was the only thing she was ever interested in.

At the age of thirty-eight Prince Philip joined the Navy on the advice of his extensive and select group of advisors. After the fifth year of almost continual buggery, administered by senior officers and deck-scrubbers alike Philip decided it was time to dismiss his advisors, and that one mistake that was to lead to his downfall in polite society. With an array of medals, mainly cast in bronze and the shape of a puckered star that he received for accommodating services to the Royal Navy, he proceeded to accompany The Queen on royal occasions and visits; something his advisors would have been turning in their shallow graves about. After five months of physiotherapy Philip could walk unaided again and he prepared himself for a life in the spotlight, standing beside his rich and powerful wife, having to do nothing but look pretty. He was never off to a winner from the beginning.

His first public mistake was to wear exactly the same outfit as his wife, hat, underpants, the lot. After being reminded that he was no longer in the Navy and changing everyone but he felt a lot more comfortable. It may have been the shock of having to wear men’s clothing, it may have been the proctologic sponges, or it could have simply been Philip's own simplicity, but he was to make a terrible error. When taking tea with a Japanese statesman, one Mr. Mi-Fuk-Yu-Kum, The Queen was asked which cup she would like. Philip promptly announced that "the old bitch is a thirty eight double D, and have you got anything in a peep-hole variety, they'll go with the crotchless panties she's got on". The statesman was shocked, as were all attending, but The Queen carried on regardless, leaving only a slight mark on the seat through her dress.

From that point on a multitude of gaffes and blunders haunted every occasion attended by the pair, but the culprit was always Philip. For instance, there was the time when he remarked to an old lady in a pension queue that "you really do smell of urine, I hope I don't catch it". That was shortly followed by a time that Philip was meeting a group of paraplegics and he loudly commented to his wife, saying "look dear, they're not even standing up when we come in the room, rude peasants, I ought to break their knees". His final public embarrassment occurred just a day prior to his untimely end. At a dinner in commemoration of those who suffered from anti-personnel mine wounds he stood to make a toast and proclaimed "if this made that dozy tart that Charles married so popular then what the fuck". The Queen was noted to have smiled at this comment.

Philip was discovered dead by his butler after apparently having choked to death on one of his own dewlaps, something that doctors claim is rather uncomfortable. Mass street parties are expected, much like that first jubilee that everyone kept bleating about. This is thought to be a significant enough sign of respect by the Royal House, considering all things. The funeral and subsequent burial will take place at sea, the service conducted in the aft bumming-room of HMS Ringpiece at the post where Philip spent the majority of his naval career, bent double, and receiving a good seeing to. He will be rarely missed.

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