A trip down to the shops.
Monday, June 21, 2004
 
My Struggle.
Whilst there are numerous methods for producing a banner showing solidarity for your country during Euro 2004 most seem to be frowned upon. I have used some everyday, yet rather specific items, most of which can be purchased at your local Woolworths, all of which I both describe and show below to make a striking statement, and to fight for us, the true supporters of England.
What You Will Need
Needle and Thread.
The thread I would recommend is black, although the more patriotic amongst you may like to use both white and black thread, the reason for which will become clear later. The needles shown have been especially arranged in the fan-like pattern, although jumbled needles work just as well.
A White T-Shirt.
An old T-shirt, shirt, or a large pair of cotton Y-fronts would work, so long as there is a clear area of eight inches by twelve inches. This cloth must be cotton, or at least a material that picks up dye; the reason for this we will come to later. A 100% cotton T-shirt purchased from Topman is being used here, and the weave is the most nationalist on the market at the moment.
A Black Strip of Material.
The poor amongst you might like to use masking tape and a felt-tip pen, although I have found that bias binding from Woolworths is ideal in conjunction with the black thread. The fact that the word 'bias' is associated to a black product is obviously a bonus, but especially so in this endeavour.
A White Iron-On Patch
This must be white for the colour scheme to be correct; even colour blind people will notice the difference. Additionally, white is a superior colour to all others and thus must have a place on any emblem showing our pride.
An Iron.
We have an iron-on patch, so naturally we require an iron. If you are having difficulty understanding why this is, as is natural for all true patriots, then just remember that to question authority is unacceptable and you must go along with what I am telling you to the letter. OBEY
A Car-Mountable England Flag
Not having one of these is tantamount to treason and proof that you are part of a terrorist organisation bent on the destruction of our way of life. For £1.99 at the most it is surely worth putting off paying the milkman for another week to buy one of the national staples and save social isolation, incarceration and death.
Sundry Equipment
A sheet of plain paper (A4, grown-up size), a pair of scissors, a small rule, a pencil and a pair of compasses are required for the purposes of marking-out, cutting and preparing templates. You may call a pair of compasses a compass, but your lack of education is understandable given the percentage of educational resources allotted to asylum-seekers and immigrants, exactly the same as the rest of us, what a disgrace. Do not be alarmed at the use I make of a propelling pencil, a normal pencil made of wood and graphite will suffice, although it must be noted that crayons will not work.
Scarlet Dye
The colour here is important, green dye would make you look as if you are mocking our great country and is similar to not owning a car-mounted England flag. Food colouring will not work either; it must be a cloth dye of menstrual-scarlet hue.
A Pan and Stirring Tool.
These are to use in conjunction with the dye and are standard with most dyes. You may notice that mine have been used before, but this is not essential. The instructions on the dye you purchase will tell you what you will need precisely, do not deviate from their instructions. OBEY
A Solvent-Based Glue.
If you do not have a large supply of this then shame on you, how will your children abuse solvents if you don't? Applicators for the glue usually come with the tin, although you may need to go and buy some more after your original tin has all been decanted into plastic bags for the joy of teenagers.
What You Must Do
Step One.
Mark out a rectangle eight inches by twelve inches ensuring that there are no seams, patterns or pockets as these will result in a sullied banner, and certainly not something that anyone with self-respect would dare to fly. The only exception to this rule is if you have no self-respect, however, if you are following these instructions you likely don't. Once the rectangle has been marked out carefully cut the shape out with a pair of scissors, although you may wish to ask an adult to help you.
Step Two.
The rectangular banner you have just had help with cutting out must now be hemmed. This stops the banner fraying when proudly displayed, unless you want your banner to resemble a Union Jack on the Shankhill Road (inset). If you can't sew then perhaps you could ask a woman to do it for you, but if you are a woman then you should be ashamed of yourself, your lack of skills has no place in our patriotic society.
Step Three.
Once the hemming has been done to a satisfactory standard it is time to dye the banner with the scarlet dye. The importance of following the instructions for your dye cannot be stressed enough. Tie-dye is NOT appropriate.
Additional Information.
The fabric should end up looking like this, having picked up the dye evenly and thoroughly. Note the colour, anything other than this shade, as has been said before, is wrong.
Step Four.
Now it's time to use the iron-on patches. Mark out and cut two circles with a radius of three inches, this is where the pair of compasses comes into action. A pair of compasses is a complicated piece of mathematical equipment so you may need to practise for a while before getting those circles to be completely round.
Step Five.
Now take your sheet of plain paper, your rule, pair of compasses and your pencil. Draw a circle of the same diameter as your cut-out iron on patches and draw the pattern shown in the picture. If you are having difficulty in reproducing this simple geometrical pattern you could try tracing it from your computer screen. This will be used as a template for the central piece of our banner so it must be accurate.
Step Six.
Cut six strips of your black ribbon of material to the lengths shown. A good width for these is half an inch for the scale that we are making here. Do this twice, six for the front of the banner and six for the reverse side. The bias binding that I have used here is folded over to give a slightly raised, proud and upstanding logo, although you do not have to go to such extremes as you may not love your country quite as much as I do; traitor.
Step Seven.
Now, lining up one of the circles on the template pin a long strip of bias binding and a short strip in an upside down L shape in line with the template as is shown in the illustration. At this point more sewing is required, so best to call a woman in. Get her to sew the two strips of black cloth into place very carefully as a mistake here will stand out like a corpse at a dinner party. Now you must rotate the patch through ninety degrees and repeat the above operation. Do this two more times until the patch has a pattern sewn onto it that resembles cross with the ends bent over.
Step Eight.
Go back to step seven and do the same with your second patch and final six strips of bias binding. This may seem like a lot of work, but the end result is a closer relationship to your similar countrymen.
Step Nine.
Ensuring that the patch is centred on your scarlet, dyed banner with the cross oriented diagonally (see end result for clarification) iron on the patch, ensuring to use the correct heat settings, and iron for the correct length of time, all of which is explained on the packaging that the patches came in so you might have to dig them out of the bin. Please wash your hands before handling the banner after this. Repeat this process on the opposite side with your second patch.
Step Ten.
It is now time to do something that would, in normal circumstances, be considered the only crime worse than urinating on a photograph of the queen, we must cut up out car-mountable England flag. Fortunately, the phoenix that will rise from the tatters will scream patriotism like no other thing can and so the flag is prepared to make this, the worthiest of sacrifices. First detach the flag from the car-mountable bracket and pole, this will be needed later so be sure to put it in a safe place where the pit-bull can't chew it. Now, taking the flag cut out one of the red stripes and discard the rest of the rags that remain.
Step Eleven.
Get the women back to hem the strip of red material scavenged from your beloved England flag and have her form it into a loop just large enough to accommodate the car-mountable pole. Now it is simply a case of making her sew it to one of the shorter edges of your banner and it is almost complete.
Step Twelve.
Coat your flag pole in the solvent-based glue, remembering to do so in a non-ventilated room whilst breathing very deeply. Now carefully slide the pole into the loop sewn onto the side and allow time for the glue to dry. The end result is the most potent symbol of patriotism, isolationism and racism all rolled into one, as well as a few other choice connotations, ideal for being flown during England football matches, nationalist marches, or any Jewish holiday.


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