A trip down to the shops.
Thursday, July 15, 2004
 
Some Like It Hot.

It used to be a privilege for the successful few, who, during periods of prohibition would enjoy profits from gambling, drinking, and machine-gunning down men in garages on Saint Valentine's Day, and sell drugs at all other times. It was a position that commanded respect, mainly through a healthy fear and a special 'insurance' policy, but these days every man and his 'brother' are trying to be gangsters. It was the early eighties in the twentieth century, a time that is responsible for many horrors that still haunt us today, and young black men in America where having a difficult time. Ronald Wilson Reagan had just come in to power as President, and one of the first bills passed by the then senile, now dead, ex-actor was to make it illegal to be a young black man, something that put people who fell into this demographic in a rather unfortunate predicament. There was only one get out clause...

...The resemblants (young black men) may officially be classed as Caucasian, and thus escape incarceration provided that one of the following provisos is adhered to.

(a) A purple suit with cane and thick, gold chain accompaniment is worn.
(b) Clothes that are clearly too big, like clown clothing, are worn.
(c) The word 'ask' is replaced by the word 'axe' in all vocalisations.
(d) A concealed handgun is carried, so badly hewn that it is barely capable of firing one round.
(e) The resemblant calls himself a 'player' without ever having sexual intercourse with another.
(f) Their place of residence is still a parents' house.
(g) Finding a five pound note on the ground is 'bling bling'.
(h) A hat is glued onto the resemblants head permanently.
(j) They are unable to read, write or speak properly.
(k) The resemblant has been beaten by the police incurring hospital treatment no less than four times.
(l) The resemblant is already incarcerated*.
(m) The cash amount of five thousand dollars has been donated, by the resemblant, to:
The President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

(n) Dark glasses are worn outside and inside at all times**.
(o) The bastardisation 'innit' suffixes all statements, even when it makes no sense for 'innit' to be a contraction of 'isn't it'.
(p) Suicide is being actively planned for.
(q) Vitiligo*** has been diagnosed by a qualified doctor.
(r) The resemblant moves himself and his family to a holding camp, set up in order to help those afflicted.

*In this case Statute 698869 comes into effect, increasing the prisoners' status to 'pending execution'.
**The Blind Conformism Bill set a precedent for this clause.
***You know, that skin disease Michael Jackson claims to have.


Of course, clause (r) was not an option. Stories had begun to leak back into the general populace about the holding camps, and the pictures painted were far from rosy. The testing of chemical and biological agents being sold to the Middle-East was rumoured to take place at the most notorious holding camp, Camp Alpha, the first of twenty four similar camps built in or around America from then to the present day. The only kind of hearing you could expect was done by your own ears in Camp Alpha, ears that would listen to the screams and pleas of other victims as their liberties were drained by the second. There were those who said that such camps were unconstitutional, but some tip-ex and a small amendment soon sorted that little problem out. (k), (m) and (p) were equally off-putting, leaving little option but for the provisos to be adhered to.

Initial resistance was soon quelled by the introduction of police armed with electric Tazers, and a new style of baton capable of inflicting 50% more damage to the victim than the previous best design, proved so later in tests on Rodney King. The inevitability of things meant that before long the vast majority of young, black men were following one or more of the above stipulations. Members of the law-enforcement services have never been very good at actually knowing the law, and it was soon found, by a painful method of trial and error, that fulfilling as many of the provisos given was the best way to avoid a truncheoning.

It was only when George Bush the First, a man who, in his earlier life story had been played by Gregory Peck, repealed the law forcing young, black men into such a ridiculous predicament, but it was then that a strange thing happened. Whilst it was no longer required to dress like a clown to avoid a jail sentence a whole demographic refused to conform once more to social and fashion norms. It was a backlash, like the derogatory term 'queer' being adopted by the gay community, clown-ware became a staple of being a young, black man. The term 'Gangsta', a bastardisation of Gangster was adopted as the name for these rebelling youths, partly due to their resentment of society and the police, but mainly due to their propensity for tardily losing kneecaps.

The law has gone, but its mighty impact is still being felt, the ripples now disturbing the once serene pool of the middle-class white boy. The word 'innit' is being bandied about without thought or reason, beanie sales are at an all time high, and the word 'pimp' is no longer associated with greasy, fat men dragging an emaciated crack addict with a black eye into a blood spattered motel room as seen in films such as 'Taxi Driver'; a pre-eighties view indeed. Reagan's senility has shot us all in the foot, condemning our society to at least one generation, and possibly future generations of unbalanced retards, convinced that think they look 'da bomb', when in actuality they look like 'da twat'. The day the scales fall from their eyes' will be the day of the new revolution. Onwards comrades!

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