A trip down to the shops.
Friday, August 13, 2004
 
Bargain Hunt.
I have recently discovered the only slight flaw in my personality. It would seem that I like nothing more than causing trouble for the parents of Big Brother contestants. Whilst most people would see nothing wrong with causing mental and lasting damage to the contestants themselves (after all, they volunteered for it, didn't they?), trying to do it to their parents has to be wrong, hasn't it?

You may be aware that Emma Greenwood, the slightly retarded one from Big Brother 5, has been auctioning her pink suitcase on EBay. As with most items on EBay the page contained a photograph and a broken paragraph explaining the sale. It looked like this:





Hi, do you want to own a piece of history?

I am selling my Big Brother suitcase complete with my tag. You've seen it on the programme so I don't need to tell you what it looks like.

So come on girls, and guys. bid bid bid

Fantastic

EM X

A percentage of the money received will go to Mencap. I will deliver the case to the winner and try and get press coverage.


It wasn't long before bidding was exceeding seventeen million pounds, people were following Emma's instructions blindly, but clearly something had to give. Before long the inevitable happened, only authorised bidders were allowed to make offers for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. The price plunged to less than two thousand pounds, then up to two and a half, then back to sixteen hundred; people were taking the piss. Just prior to the end of the auction period an additional paragraph was posted up on the description page and it read as follows:



JUST TO UPDATE EVERYONE. 25% OF THE MONEY RAISED WILL GO TO MENCAP. EMMA DID A PARACHUTE JUMP LAST WEEK FOR THEM AND DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING ELSE TO HELP.

THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT AND KIND WORDS. OVER 500 EMAILS SO FAR AND ONLY 8 OF THOSE WERE DEROGATORY.

KAREN, EM's MUM



This is the story of those derogatory e-mails.



Sent: 05/08/2004 13:25
From: Vic Jameson
To: Karen Greenwood
Subject: Question for item #2261190104 - Big Brother 5 suitcase, pink case with wheels.

As a verdant collector of luggage of many types I am naturally very interested in this item, however, before I bid there are several questions I require an answer to.
a) Naturally, any item of luggage that has had a major part in a television series would make me the envy of my friends and colleagues, but is there any official proof that this is the same case as viewed so ardently on television? A certificate from Endemol would suffice here, or possibly a unique marker in the form of a holographic image.
b) What are the specific dimensions of the case? Its volume in litres would be useful information. A useful way of measuring this is to fill the case with pillows, and considering that one pillow takes up a gallon of space finding the total volume in litres is simple.
c) You say you will attempt to gain press coverage for the hand-over, this is totally unacceptable. Due to several unsolved crimes I cannot allow this, will this be a problem for you?
Thanks.
Vic.




Sent: 10/08/2004 14:01
From: Vic Jameson
To: Karen Greenwood
Subject: Question for item #2261190104 - Big Brother 5 suitcase, pink case with wheels.

I have already sent an e-mail requesting information on the item you are auctioning, yet I have received no satisfactory reply. I understand that Emma must be rushed off her feet and unable to answer due to her new-found fame, but if she wishes to sell this item then she is going the wrong way about doing it.
Please answer my previous questions so I may ascertain whether I should bid for this item, unless, of course, this is some sad attempt at ekeing out the notoriety gained from her violent attack of a black man on live television. If this is the case then I can only voice my disgust in the highest possible manner at your waste of my time, you should feel thoroughly ashamed.
If you have just overlooked my questions then please refer to them and reply as soon as is possible so I may bid up to five figure sums that I have at my disposal. May I suggest a more professional attitude in further transactions as e-bay is not a place to be blasé.
Many thanks.
Vic.




Sent: 10/08/2004 18:42
From: Karen Greenwood
To: Vic Jameson
Subject: Response to your question for item #2261190104 - Big Brother 5 suitcase, pink case with wheels.

Vic,
We have received over 800 emails regards this sale and some people we have chose not to answer. You are obviously not a serious bidder or you certainly wouldn't have penned this email in the manner you have. Especially your referral to the incident on day 20 which, you can only speculate upon.
Being a lawyer I was allowed to view the whole 90 minutes of footage from the night in question and my advice to Emma at the time was to press charges against Victor for assault. Emma wanted to forget the whole incident and refused to press charges. If she had then Victor would have been brought out of the house that same evening.
Furthermore, you make specific reference to "black man". The colour of skin makes no difference, Emma reacted to someone calling her racist and thick. Emma went through years of bullying because of her learning disability and she will no longer tolerate it. As far as Emma being racist then this is laughable, Emma is mixed race!
Regards,
Karen.



Sent: 10/08/2004 20:19
From: Vic Jameson
To: Karen Greenwood
Subject: Question for item #2261190104 - Big Brother 5 suitcase, pink case with wheels.

Karen,
Many thanks for your kind response to my queries. Let me first assure you I was asserting no accusations of racism, merely making an observation.
I'm sure you can understand my annoyance at your glib comments regarding the validity of my bidding authenticity, however, as a lawyer I am sure this is just the way you are. With the line of work you claim you must surely also understand my worries regarding fraud; which, like pornography, is so prevalent on the internet these days.
I am sorry to say that your eventual e-mail did not contain any of the information I originally requested. Perhaps if you stuck to facts and not supposition you would do better in both e-commerce and law. I look forward to hearing from you eagerly.
Kind Regards.
Vic.




Sent: 11/08/2004 12:48
From: Karen Greenwood
To: Vic Jameson
Subject: Response to your question for item #2261190104 - Big Brother 5 suitcase, pink case with wheels.

Dear Sir,
Given the contents of your email I would suggest that you are nhot the most suitable candidate to purchase Emma's email. I therefore consider it unnecessary to respond to the questions.
May I thank you for your interest.



Sent: 11/08/2004 23:02
From: Vic Jameson
To: Karen Greenwood
Subject: Question for item #2261190104 - Big Brother 5 suitcase, pink case with wheels.

Dear Karen,
Let me first assure you that I have absolutely no interest in Emma's email, nor can I fathom why on earth you think I would want to buy it considering that all my previous correspondence have been solely with respect to the suitcase, besides, I would probably get better conversation from a random number generator.
I see that you have not replied to my first e-mail. This is becoming a rather bad habit, especially for somebody so apparently keen on auctioning this item. Please respond to my queries, otherwise I will have to put two and two together and conclude that you are not responding to me adequately solely because I am white.
Refusing to sell items to people because they are not mixed-race smacks of a twisted Nazism; how dare you?
If you choose to come to your senses then I look forward to your reply.
Love and kisses.
Vic.




Sent: 12/08/2004 15:01
From: Karen Greenwood
To: Vic Jameson
Subject: Response to your question for item #2261190104 - Big Brother 5 suitcase, pink case with wheels.

Dear Vic,
It would appear you didn't receive my last email. I can assure you that my decision not to provide details about the case was made solely on the basis of yor negative comments towards Emma. On that basis I think it would be inappropriate to be the purchaser of the case.
Karen.



Sent: 12/08/2004 23:03
From: Vic Jameson
To: Karen Greenwood
Subject: Question for item #2261190104 - Big Brother 5 suitcase, pink case with wheels.

My dearest Karen,
although it pains me to do so I must, of course, accept your final decision.
My collection of contemporary luggage, handbags and women's lingerie will have to miss out on this prize, unless you have other items you may be prepared to auction. I would gladly bid for either your or Emma's purse, bags and panties. Do keep me updated on further items.
I'm not wearing any clothes right now.
Vic.




So there you go. The case sold for £1,950.00 eventually. It's not a pretty story, and I'm not particularly proud; it's just what I do.


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